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We all have a home life…

I was sent a video of a phone sex operator a couple of days ago. And I howled when I saw it.

By the way, subscribe to Jason Horton because the rest are at least as funny.

Anyway it got me thinking (and at the end of a summer in Ibiza that takes some doing!) about the difficulty of working in this business and maintaining a private life. In the interests of full disclosure I should say that I did spend a very brief time as a phone sex operator. I found it just too hard to keep a straight face so i have nothing but respect for the people who can.

The point I wanted to make is that – as you may know – while I really enjoy this life and have nothing but respect for most of the people in it, it can be hard to start and maintain relationships.

This industry is a lot more ethical, honest and straightforward than most of the industries and businesses I have worked in. Things in my past like marketing, recruitment, technology, insurance, advertising. You can see why my skill-set suits this job. And why working with professional escorts in Ibiza is much more honest and less seedy!

Having said that, it can be hard to start a relationship and harder to keep it going. The hours are brutal (Imagine running a club in Ibiza and how hard that is. Now imagine running it 24/7 instead of just at night.). Pretty much everything is short notice, as for some reason more clients in Ibiza than anywhere else need to have company right now. 30 minutes is too long to wait! It´s even more manic than with our lovely girlfriends in Marbella. So that is all stressful.

He says he loves me for my personality

He says he loves me for my personality

But most girls (and guys) in the business make it far more difficult than it needs to be. I know it´s fiction, but the girl in the video has exactly the right idea with her man. Let him know what you´re doing, be honest, involve him where you can and make it funny.

So many girls say that they can´t tell a man what they do when they first meet as they won´t want to date them. It can be a point. But then the same girls are shocked and appalled when they come clean (or get caught) when the relationship gets serious and find that six months of lying your arse off isn´t a terrifically stable foundation.

So if any of my beautiful and (mainly) intelligent escort girls ask me for advice it´s always the same. If you´re not going to front it up right at the start, don´t go more than three dates before you do. And just be straight about it. It´s a job A very well paid one if you´re working with us. You are selling a set of physical and personality attributes and skills. Like an athlete, magician or taxi driver!

So, tell the truth. And if they´re the right guy for the long term they will work out how to deal with it. And if they aren´t they won´t.

Kisses

Ally

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It

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Two Hours In The Life

So what does a couple of hours in my life look like when I’m managing bookings at high season?

Okay, so it’s 3 AM and I’m sat on my bed with the air conditioning going full blast. My desk lamp is on the night table beside me. Also on the night table the pot of Earl Grey tea in a little china teapot with a cup. Under the bed is my small white dog. Sat beside me on the bed is my marmalade cat.

Much more practical than satin

Much more practical than satin

I am not dressed in silky satin lingerie. Instead I’m wearing my daisy duke shorts and a peasant top. My hair is scrunched up in an untidy ponytail and held firmly in place with a pen. My wedge heels are discarded at the foot of the bed. Not the image of a Madam you expected is it?

My night really started about nine in the evening when a gentleman who I’ve spoken with for almost a week came on and asked if we could provide this service in Cairo. As we haven’t booked a girl with him all week and have negotiated price constantly, I told him that as it happens I cannot provide a service in Cairo.

I do try to help out regular customers all around the world as I have contact with escort girls who travel independently and let me know where they are on their travels, other suppliers and other agencies. Frankly I can and am very happy to help out and put beautiful girls and nice gentleman together.

That gentleman was followed by one of my ladies wanting another lady to join her and her personal client (booked directly with her on a regular basis). That doesn’t happen very often but it’s always very flattering when one of your professional escorts trust you enough to ask you to provide another girl to join her in the service.

How I should probably dress to answer the phone in the early hours

How I should probably dress to answer the phone in the early hours

So in the last thirty minutes I arranged for Jessica to turn up. Jessica has long blonde hair, is cute end petite and will do very well besides Julia who is tall and dark. So that is how my evening started a few hours ago and now it’s 3:30 AM and I’m dealing with potential  clients of all nationalities.

I have a couple who only speak Spanish who would like a bisexual lady to join them. A gentleman who speaks Russian (I think) and his message on WhatsApp says that he is looking for a lady that wants to buy a second hand car! Oh the joys of translation software!  It’s all very well if one of the parties is at least using their first language, but when all parties concerned are using the second or third language to try and negotiate a deal you can imagine how complicated it can get.

I have arranged for a lovely gentleman from Denmark to meet a sweet Ibiza escort girl from Brazil and I’m now talking to a gentleman from Qatar and making arrangements for him and his friend from Saudi Arabia. And I am also back chatting to local Spanish gentlemen and a financial services recruitment consultant on holiday from the UK.

It at this point in the evening that I decided that maybe I be better employed in International relations than running an escort business in Ibiza. But maybe it’s all the same thing really. (Fill in your own gag here)

So why do escorts bring together people of all nations and backgrounds?

So why do escorts bring together people of all nations and backgrounds?

If only we all got on so well in other areas of our lives, life would be so much nicer I think.

It seems the gentleman from Qatar would like to see the Russian girl I sent details of and his friend from Saudi Arabia would like to see a hot Spanish chica. So like some large international game of chess, all the pieces are now in play. I do hope it doesn’t turn into a game of snakes and ladders.

Now it’s just after four and I have got another hour or so to take it easy before the early morning rush starts about 5 AM right through to 8 AM. It might just get really busy and that’s when this will turn into something much more like an adrenaline-fuelled version of the 3D chess from Star Trek.

You may of course think this sounds like a wild ride. But this is just another day in the office. I’ve got at least another 61 days just like this before the season ends. I hope they’re all as exciting and interesting as this international game this evening…

So that was a couple of hours in my life and probably not what you expected. I’m going to go and put the kettle on again now. Talk to you all soon.

Kisses

Ally x

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Help! I’ve Run Out of Girls!

It was 5:30 AM and I was stood at my kitchen counter having a glass of wine glass of wine while eating scrambled eggs. My mobile phones were ringing off the hook, I’d been awake for 20 hours and I was not sure whether I was eating breakfast or dinner, so what the hell; wine with eggs.

It is the end of Ramadan, which is also the start of the big work season here in Ibiza. You would think this would be fantastic news; bookings all over the place.

girl in lingerie and coat at hotel door

I really hope this is the right room

However it was 5:30 AM and I had run out of escort girls. I had no escorts in Ibiza to send out on any calls. All of them were working either for me or somebody else, or alternatively they are too tired to get out of bed. Dirty lazy bones!

This business is like that. Feast or famine. Either you have too many beautiful girls or not enough. Today there were too many clients and not enough girls. So I had run out of Ibiza escorts but the calls kept coming and coming. (pun intended!)

I really really hate to have to say no to clients at any time; today or any time of the year. So I did my very best to change bookings around and make sure the right girl got the right guy and attempted to fulfil as many calls as possible.

But it is very frustrating having worked hard all year to generate the enquiries to then end not be able to fulfil them. I’m sure you can understand.

Of course having this number of calls is good news, Running out of girls means I had a lot of girls working. Which means that when I went to bed in the morning at 10 AM I was tired but happy as everybody had a good working day, morning, night, whatever you want to call it and we could all rest knowing that we can do it all again tomorrow.

beautiful girl in red lingerie and high heels on stripey vespa

This would be a great idea!

I have to say that it can be a very adrenaline fuelled business during the summer. When you get a booking, getting the right girl to the guy in the amount of time specified and making sure everybody is happy and safe is challenging. It probably takes only a maximum of an hour “flash to bang” (pun again intended!) but it’s very intense at the beginning of the call organising the lady to turn up.

Sometimes I need to get girls in Ibiza to gentlemen within 15 or 30 minutes maximum, no matter where the gentleman is. The girls need to arrive on time and ready to go so I probably have 10 to 15 minutes to sort out the right lady, get her dressed in the right way, negotiate the price on both sides, make sure there is safe transport and check on arrival.

It can be demanding and exhausting but it can also be a lot of fun because it’s nice to make everybody happy. Especially when you make a little bit of money along the way.

Kisses

Ally

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Sex Appeal & Beauty

What is it that makes a woman sexy? Artists, writers and poets through the years have spent their lives trying to encapsulate the mystery of feminine allure. Scientists have entered the fray too, measuring, counting and assessing. But the secret of allure is still “unbottled”.

Audrey Hepburn - beautiful. Not sexy

Audrey Hepburn – beautiful. Not sexy

True, there are a lot of insights into beauty. Artists capture it and scientists can measure and predict it. Much of what they are now codifying was actually extremely well known to the ancient Greek writers in particular. Proportion, symmetry and social conditioning are all critically important to the perception of beauty. Some of them are timeless and some reflect social trends.

Take body fat or curviness. Peter Paul Rubens curvaceous ladies could not be more different in terms of muscle tone and sheer ampleness from the Venus in her clam shell of Sandro Botticelli, or the dancers of Henri Toulouse-Lautrec´s ballet dancers, or Titian´s Leda, or today’s Victoria’s Secret models. But the proportions of their limbs and bodies are the same, and they exhibit the same symmetrical faces.

Kelly Brook. Sexy.

Kelly Brook. Sexy.

So beauty can be articulated, measured, quantified and predicted. The best plastic surgeons in the world can, within limits, produce it. For both men and women, incidentally.

But sex appeal? That is something different. It too is largely timeless, but the mix that makes a woman (or man) irresistibly sexy doesn’t seem to lend itself to the same kind of formulas and rules that beauty does. There is no golden mean that tells us why or how, or predicts who.

As I have previously explained, I spend my entire time surrounded by beautiful and sexy women. (It’s a hard life…) And believe me, not all of them are both sexy and beautiful. Many are both, but not all.

audrey hepburn and emilia clarke both as holly golightly from breakfast at tiffany's

Hepburn. Beautiful. Emilia Clarke. Beautiful and sexy.

Beauty can exist without sex appeal. Look at the Greek statues of athletes. Gorgeous, beautiful, inspiring. But not sexy compared to the old and has never-been-in-shape Jack Nicholson.

Take two great British actresses from the 1960s. Julie Andrews and Jaqueline Bisset. Ms Andrews was slim, beautiful, polished and had curves in all the right places. Not sexy. Ms Bisset had many of the same attributes but with a charmingly damaged smile. And was sex on legs. Still is, in fact! She is the star of many a MILF fantasy even now.

mata hari belly dancing

The sexiest woman in history?

Or modern actresses show this equally well. Jennifer Lawrence and Kristen Stewart. One is sexy and sensual. The other is pretty and has a good body but doesn’t have the secret sauce. There is some subtle difference between beauty and sex appeal.

Sex appeal sometimes doesn’t even require beauty.  If you take a look at a photo of Mata Hari she was far from being a great classical beauty. But her sex appeal is famous to this day. Marilyn Monroe would be considered overweight by today´s standards of beauty (how sad is that?!) but her sex appeal and sensuality still make the edges of the paper curl on her photos.

So I am going to spend a few posts doing my best to pin down what it is that makes sexy. I will obviously mainly focus on sexy women.  But I will also spend a little time on the sexy men too! It seems rude not to.

Kisses

Ally x

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sexy geek in glasses and lace top

What Is It With Some People?

Why is it that some people, who perfectly accept happily the price that designer shops show on the label and who wouldn’t dream of haggling in a restaurant think that it is perfectly fine to try and bid down the fees for a professional escort?

This came to a head in textbook style this weekend in Ibiza. We have a client who is generally lovely when on a booking. He sees the ladies in a lovely penthouse, spends three hours a time with them and they have a super time sunbathing, drinking wine and generally relaxing. He is polite and respectful, pleasant and well turned out. A wonderful time is had by all.

The problem is what happens between bookings. Maybe it´s the fact that he is Norwegian, which adds an extra spice to all his dealings with escorts as it is illegal for any Norwegian citizen to pay for sex anywhere in the world (not that he is doing that with our ladies, we only sell time and companionship…). Anyway, shagging the brains out of girls he meets through us is extra exciting because he knows he is breaking the law.

And that extends to his dealings with us in deciding who to see and trying to negotiate fees. He just doesn´t get a simple rule that we live by; the price is the price. We don´t negotiate on rates. That way madness lies. The only exception is when the booking is very unusual and standard rates wwouldn’t cover it. (Don´t ask!) And this client´s bookings certainly don´t come under that category.

So the preface to every booking with this client is a lengthy WhatsApp discussion about who is available (fair enough) and their respective fees (also fair enough). He then decides to tell us what he is willing to pay.

“Alana and Melissa. I will pay 1,000 for 3 hours. No taxi fee.”

“No. The rate is 1,400 plus 50 taxi.”

“This is an afternoon booking midweek so there won´t be much else happening. Something is better than nothing. 1,000 Euros for 3 hours.”

“No. The rate is 1,400 plus 50 taxi.”

“But you list Melissa as 165 cms and I know she is only 164 cms tall. So I will pay 1,000 Euros for both.”

“No. The rate is 1,400 plus 50 taxi.”

“Well the 1,000 is still on the table. Let me know when you change your mind.”

We then ignore him for a few days and he comes back.

“How much just for Alana?”

“700 Euros plus taxi.”

“And for Melissa?”

“700 Euros plus taxi.”

“So if I book both, you will give me a discount to make it 1,000 Euros and no taxi.”

Now what I want to write is unrepeatable. So I instead say

“No. The rate is 1,400 plus 50 taxi.”

I have tried to explain that the girls are independent contractors who set their own rates and that I am their agent not the employer. But he seems convinced that I can somehow offer him a massive discount on each person´s rates. As though we were dealing with tins of beans rather than people´s time.

Now the interesting thing here is that this client is actually a high-end real estate agent who deals

mainly with summer rentals to the super-rich. Villas at 50,000 Euros a week. That sort of thing. I contacted him once to enquire about a villa and then asked him for a discount because I was going to rent two villas from two different owners and use them at the same time. He was surprisingly unamused.

Anyhow, with this client I´m now reasonable sanguine as he always ends up booking the original girls we discuss and at the original price. But his behaviour is all too typical of a certain type of client.

And it´s bloody annoying to deal with and insulting to the ladies concerned.

Don´t get me wrong, if someone calls and says they’ve taken everything they can out of the cash machine and their friends won´t be returning for hours to borrow from, I will do what I can to help for a few Euros if I believe that they are genuine.

But when someone who wouldn’t dream of haggling as they check in to the Hard Rock hotel decides that the 5 star ladies who work with me are fair game, then my heckles rise!

Luxury goods are luxury goods and they don´t come with built-in discounts. If you can´t afford the game, don´t play. And if your idea of a good time is spending a long time haggling pointlessly, go see the Looky-Looky guys on the beaches. Because I´m certainly not going to play in that mud bath, thank you very much.

To misquote the signs that you used to see in English grocer´s shops “Don´t ask for a discount as being told to bugger off may cause offence.”

Kisses

Ally x

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I Just Met Tony Stark

I have just met Tony Stark!

It all started when Tel said “I need to sell some shit” “Ok” I replied “I think I might be able to help.”

So early (for Ibiza – it was 10;30am) one Friday morning Alex our web guy and I went to visit Tel.

tony_stark_robert_downey_jr

Not Tel. Nor a client of mine. Dammit.

Alex is pretty handy with a camera as he takes most of the photos of our lovely ladies here in Ibiza and he knows his way around technology, the internet etc etc etc.  So he seemed like the right chap to take along to meet Tel who “wanted to sell some shit.” The basic plan being to dig around in Tel’s basement and storage unit come up with some random stuff to sell and put it on eBay and see what happened.

So at 10:30 on the dot Tel pulls up outside the apartment here and Alex and I hop into his car.  Now, I should have had some inkling that this might become something less than ordinary as Tel pulls on to the carretera at break-neck speed my tummy flipped and we raced “warp speed” really quite quickly.  As Alex and I hang onto the seats fearing for our lives, Tel chats away without a care in the world about his past as cars, buses, lorries fall behind us and become nothing more than a blur in the rear view mirror.

After what feels like a few seconds and hundreds of kilometres we arrive at Tel’s pad in the hills. “I built this myself” he says as he jumps from the car to unlock the gate. Alex and I stagger legs shaking to the front door grasping at any means of support possible.

It’s a tidy little house looking out over the Med with 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms and lots of mysterious other little rooms … we are about to find out why.  “I once built one with 18 bedrooms and 18 bathrooms” he says.

“Why so few?” I ask sarcastically as we step into the cool interior of the house.  A warm smell of wood smoke greets us from the hearth that has recently been cleared from last night’s fire. He takes my question seriously.

“Oh, I wasn’t doing too many projects at the time and just couldn’t put the time into it.” OK …

“So,” Tel says, “I will show you round. But how about we go down into the basement first and Alex can start to take some pictures of the stuff I have to sell” he says.

He opens what I have to say looked like a nondescript door under the stairs…and we step down a very wide spiral staircase into the basement.  “I have another basement under this one but you won’t want to look in there yet.” he quips. 

The first thing we notice as we get to the bottom of the stairs is a store room just full of interesting old bits of technology. TVs, headphones, remote controls cables.  It’s a little eerie as it’s like each of these items has been picked clean by some large predator that has taken the good bits and left the useless carcass behind. “Through here” says Tel. Why does he have this strangely jovial voice suddenly?

Before I go any further let me describe Tel.

He is a gentleman in his middle years, fit healthy very well presented at all times. He is interested and interesting and if I had to liken him to a cartoon character I would have to say it would be Tigger from Winnie the Poo.  He is very enthusiastic about everything and does not seem to have an “off button.” But not that different from lots of other people. He’s been a regular visitor with my girls for a couple of years and is always lovely.

We step through an adjoining door and holy shit!

That’s it. We are in Tony Stark’s workshop. OMG. I swear I heard a clicking noise as Alex’s jaw dropped.

“Yep. I built this stuff” he says.

iron_man_workshop

Like this. But cooler.

He has a bench of stuff in development, but as you enter the room you see a three screen holy-shit racing simulator.  Full racing seat, steering wheel, computer module and hydraulics. This isn’t a seat attached to a PlayStation. This is the real deal.

Showing my age, I think that ORAC will communicate with me any time now.

“My friend and I built this. It connects to any real car or racing track in the world by telemetry so you can actually race on the same virtual course as your favourite formula 1 driver at the same time in the same spec of car. Or different ones if you like. So if you had the telemetry connection to Lewis Hamilton you could race him in real time. Or a bunch of you from different parts of the world can just have a track day without flying.

Holy shit.

“Oh I have another better one that I might finish soon” he says.

Alex can’t wait to try it out so after a few minutes and a through briefing from Tel, Alex gets into the hot seat and straps himself in (yes you need the straps!) Obviously like everything it’s harder than it looks but he soon gets the hang of it and another racing addict is born.  He and Tel chat away about the technology involved whilst I just marvel at the virtual racing world.

Like this. But with techy stuff.

The whole basement is a feast of technology and mechanical projects some finished and some never to be finished. A boy toy Aladdin’s cave!

“Ah hum“ I clear my throat.  “Chaps, I hate to be a party pooper but we have some shit to sell I believe?”

“OK” says Tel “But first let me show you…”

And off we go again through the myriad of basement rooms to an external drive-way and like a magician Tel throws back a tarpaulin to reveal a vintage Alfa Romeo car. “I rebuilt it myself” he says…

I manage to get them to focus and Tel digs into this magnificent man cave and produces all sorts of bit of techno stuff he would like to sell. Some of it still new and in its original packaging, some of it ready to be stripped down for components. Alex set up the camera and starts to take some pictures.

“I like cool stuff but I’m not good at clearing out or selling stuff“ Tel says. “So if you can help, that would be great.”

While Alex takes a few snaps, Tel shows me the rest of the house. He has separate studies for different projects. So building project study, technology projects study, car projects study. The garage is fully of bikes (motor and pedal) and so it goes on…

“Tigger” and I have coffee while Alex continues to take pictures and we chat through some of his latest projects. His racing plans in the real world and how to change the world… just like Tony Stark.

Tel’s an interesting chap with big idea and big plans, some of which work well and some of which work less well but the world needs entrepreneurs like Tel to make things happen and keep thing interesting.

Welcome to Ibiza. You never know who you’ll meet or what their story is.

As for selling the shit, Alex started out to sell a scooter, a high-end projector and video camera and other assorted top end but out of date technology. The he had another look at some of the photos and spotted the hardware stuffed in the corner. It’s only a few hundred old PCs waiting to be stripped down. The glee on a young techy’s face is a joy to behold.

I will let you know how we get on.

Oh and by the way, as Alex and I left, Tel mentioned that he had a storage unit full of stuff in development as well. And next time he’ll show us the really interesting stuff in the sub-basement. (I’m hoping it’s not sex slaves or anything! LOL)

When does he get the time?

Kisses

Ally X

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I love a professional

“Hi can I help?”

It was mid afternoon on Thursday. I was alone in the office as Alex had decided to go shopping for beauty creams and presents. I was hoping to have a lovely peaceful coffee and catch up on some paperwork. So I have to admit I chased her out of the door with a sunny wave saying “don’t rush back, see you soon”. Mistake. Big mistake!

So “Hi can I help” I said. The contact is Claudio who I have heard is a lovely Italian gentleman.

The best way to use a computer I think

The best way to use a computer I think

“Vorrei prenotare una ragazza per me e mia moglie oggi alle 18:00.” Ah.

“I’m sorry, I don’t speak Italian. Do you speak any English?” I asked. I know it’s rude and we are all European now but I am a product of 1960s comprehensive education.  So languages are not my big thing, though I can get by in Spanish.

“A leeteel” he said.

“ Fantastic how can I help?”

“Weeelll “ he said “eermm  vorrei prenotare una ragazza per me e mia moglie oggi alle 18:00”

OK not so good. I mean it doesn’t take a genius to work out that he wants to see a girl at 18:00 but where and for how long?  Let’s do the easy bit.

“Who would you like to see I ask?” We have lots of gorgeous ladies so it saves time to start by asking.

He replies almost instantly with “Angela”.  Now this would be cool but she hasn’t checked in with her availability today so I am not sure if she is working. Damn. “I need to find out and then I can confirm all of the details” I say, “That make sense?” I add.

A very empathic and enthusiastic “Si!” is his reply.

“OK. I will call you back.

“Quando?” he asks

Erm, a little help?

Erm, a little help?

“5 mins” I say.

“ Noooo” he says “18:00”

Not good.  “Ustedes hablan español?”

“Yes a little” he replies. Thank heavens! At least this I should be able to work out.

“Necesito confirmar con ella” (I need to check with her)

“Voy a verla a las 18:00 ( I will see her at 18:00)” he says.

Fuck Fuck Fuck this is not going to plan….

“OK I will text you” I say in my best garbled Spanish.

“Si Si” he says.

For the next few minutes Google translate becomes my new best friend as I try to communicate the details of the booking with him via text. Come back Alex! Alex speaks Italian and has dealt with him before.

I call her with a cry for help “ Please come back now and talk to Claudio!” I cry “I think he thinks Angela is turning up at 18:00 and she is not available and I don’t know how long for or where or what or anything!”

At least I thinks that’s what I said as it was all a little excited. For some reason I hate letting polite and nice clients down in any way. Arseholes give me no stress at all. But if someone is being sweet then my customer service gene kicks into overdrive.

sexy_stockings_on_vespa

The Italians do sexy very well.

She says she can be back in 15 mins.  Thank heavens. I tell Claudio that she will be back to talk to him soon.

Now I have to track down Angela. After a few calls and texts in turns out that she is in hospital with food poisoning.  Damn! Even I can’t bring myself to give her a hard time for not telling me. Though secretly I am a little miffed that I’m not the person she calls straight after her emergency contact.

The question then becomes who shall I recommend? Thank God Alex will be back to explain to him that Angela wont be able to make it.

When Alex is back she soothes the international relations and get the all of the details of the booking. I start to make the arrangements.

One of the nice things about running the best escort agency in Ibiza is that we have our choice of great escorts who fit just about every requirement.

Helena she is working today and is very good with languages, though unfortunately not Italian.  I call her to check availability and the details.  The conversation goes something like this:

“It’s a couple” I say. “OK” she says.

“They want total GFE for both of them” I say. “OK” she says.

” Its two hours” I say. “OK” she says.

“You have to arrive at 6pm” I say. “OK” she says.

”They only speak Italian” I say “OK” she says.

“Oh and they are both in their 70’s” I say. “OK. Any special requirements?” she says

“No” I say. “OK” she says.

I just love working with professionals! They make life so much easier.

Kisses

Ally x

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